Why Seeking Validation from Others Leaves You Feeling Empty
Have you ever felt like no matter how hard you try, you’re just not good enough? No matter how much time you put into something, how early you show up, or how much effort you give, it still feels like you’re falling short. If that resonates with you, I want to share my own experience — why I hated high school and what I’ve learned about seeking validation from the wrong places.
The Trap of External Validation
In high school, I didn’t realize that I was invalidating myself by constantly seeking validation from others. I looked to my parents, my grades, sports, and even relationships to determine my worth. But the problem with external validation is that it’s unreliable — when you succeed, you feel great, but the moment things don’t go as planned, your confidence crumbles.
For example, when I started high school, I did well academically. I got A’s and B’s, made the Honor Roll, and felt proud of myself. But when junior year came around and classes became harder, along with increased responsibilities like community service and projects, my grades started to slip. Since my confidence was tied to my academic success, my self-worth took a major hit. I wasn’t used to struggling, and I felt like I was letting my parents down. This self-doubt made it even harder for me to push myself, leading me into a cycle of doing the bare minimum just to get by.
Chasing Validation in Sports
Academics weren’t the only place I sought validation. I also tried out for the basketball team my freshman year, putting in hours of conditioning and preparation. I wanted to be part of something exclusive, something that not everyone could achieve. But when I didn’t make the team, I was devastated. It wasn’t just about playing basketball — I wanted to be recognized, to have people acknowledge me in the hallways, to feel like I belonged. Seeing my friends make the team while I didn’t made me question my worth even more.
Popularity and Relationships: Another False Measure
After struggling with grades and sports, I turned to another source of validation — popularity and relationships. I wanted to be liked, to feel attractive, to get attention from girls. I thought that if people found me desirable, then I would finally feel good about myself. But no matter how hard I tried, I always felt like I wasn’t getting the attention I deserved. This only deepened my insecurity, making me question everything about myself — was it my appearance, my personality, the way I dressed?
The constant overthinking led me to believe that I wasn’t good enough, not just in one area, but in every aspect of my life. I hesitated in conversations, second-guessed my abilities, and even doubted myself in casual games of basketball. I convinced myself that if I took a shot, I would probably miss, and that fear of failure held me back.
The Truth: Seeking Validation from God
Looking back, I realize that my biggest mistake was seeking validation from everything except God. If I had put my trust in Him, I wouldn’t have needed to rely on grades, sports, or relationships to feel worthy. When you anchor your self-worth in God, you gain a peace that external success can’t provide.
God already has a plan for each of us. I tell my wife all the time that if I had known back in high school that God was preparing me for her, I wouldn’t have stressed so much about failed relationships. But when you’re in the moment, you don’t have that hindsight — you just see rejection and disappointment. However, every setback is part of a bigger plan, and the struggles you go through now are shaping you for something greater in the future.
Shifting Your Perspective
Instead of looking to others for validation, focus on doing things that bring glory to God. When you put your energy into being a better person, learning, and growing, you naturally become more confident and content. You no longer need external approval to feel good about yourself because you already know your worth in God’s eyes.
For those of you in high school or college struggling with the same feelings, I hope this helps you see that your value isn’t determined by grades, sports, or popularity. Your worth comes from God, and when you focus on that, you’ll find a deeper sense of fulfillment and peace.
What are your thoughts on this? If you’re currently navigating this struggle, I’d love to hear your experiences in the comments. Let’s start a conversation and encourage each other on this journey!
